I was annoyed with life. Annoyed with the lack of change and the stagnant place that I couldn’t seem to climb out of no matter how hard I tried. I was out of resources, out of options and I felt overwhelmingly trapped. Years of begging God to change my circumstances had gotten me nowhere except a broken disappointed heart and a few counseling sessions that only left me feeling more frustrated. I had become someone I didn’t even recognize anymore….the worst possible version of myself. I was miserable and I wanted everyone else to be miserable. What I didn’t realize is that what was bothering me went way beyond my circumstances; it was something internal that annoyed me and kept me in a perpetual state of disillusionment. It’s as if I had created my own prison and I didn’t know how to get out.
This prison I had built was a project I had been working on for quite some time without me even realizing it. I had built my prison out of words, negative words to be more specific. I had used these negative words to frame my world, a world that I hated. I couldn’t see that it was my fault that I was in this prison, all I knew is I was sick of it and I would do anything to get out. I spent years blaming everyone else, being angry with God and feeling sorry for myself but I just couldn’t stay in the pit any longer.
I realized at my core I did not believe God was good. I had fallen for the same trick that Eve had fallen prey to in Genesis when satan convinced her that God was holding out on her. I had a faulty foundation, and a faulty foundation cannot support a structure for very long. And God certainly can’t build something magnificent if the foundation isn’t sure.
HOW TO FIX A FOUNDATION
Just in case you were wondering, fixing a foundation isn’t easy. You have to remove EVERYTHING out of the way. You may have to tear down the structure in some places to get to the foundation. You have to break up things and re-work them. How does that look in our lives?? For me it looked like God stripping some things away from me for a season so we could get to the root of the problem and fix it. For a season, doing the things I loved wasn’t an option for me. I also was in some situations that I felt trapped in and couldn’t get out. It hurt….it hurt REALLY bad! I tried to run, kicking and screaming all the way. I threw some fits and had quite a few episodes. I would equate it to a 3 year old that had their toy taken away. I wanted my toy back and no matter what I did He would not give it back to me. Enter Jesus. With time and repentance I began to see it wasn’t really the toy I wanted. It was Jesus. He made me happy-not the toy. The toy became less and less important to me and I just wanted to see Him and hear His voice. He slowly began to rebuild my foundation the way He wanted it. I began to believe in His goodness and love for me. Joy was becoming the norm for me and not the exception. Life was beginning to happen again. Slowly the prison was being destroyed and something new was being constructed in my mind. Instead of a prison being built in my mind, He was building His kingdom in me.
A HOUSE OF WORSHIP
So, what does it all have to do with worship?? It’s hard for us to truly worship when we aren’t completely sure that God is good. When we have these mental constructs in our minds that are faulty our worship becomes obligatory in nature and not pure and genuine. We worship because we have to not because we want to. Obviously this is not the type of worship our Father desires. I quote this scripture quite a bit in worship contexts because I believe so strongly in it:
“For God is a Spirit, so those who worship him must worship in spirit and in truth” John 4:24
Basically we have to believe what we say. We need to really believe these beautiful worship songs we are singing to God. If we don’t believe that He is good, He is faithful, loving, merciful, etc then the words we are singing are lies. And it’s not just about songs, we know worship encompasses our entire lives, how we live, eat, spend our time, etc. It’s crucial that we identify and deal with any lies that we have believed so that our worship is pure before the Lord. If we are honest with Him he can take our faulty foundations and rebuild them. He can make something beautiful out of our broken lives.
DO THE HARD THING
It’s a big undertaking when you allow God to really deal with the junk in your mind that needs to go. But I encourage you to do the hard thing. The hardest thing that we have to do is be honest, completely honest with ourselves and God. Being honest about your feelings won’t diminish God’s truth or greatness. In fact we have to admit those things so God can deal with them and we can move on. Ultimately our honesty will open the door for God to finish building what He initially started and envisioned for our lives. And that is something beyond our comprehension. Something glorious and beautiful because God specializes in building masterpieces (Ephesians 2:10)!
