I’m pretty sure I walked through one of the darkest nights my soul has ever experienced a couple of years ago. Could have been brought on by grief I have endured from betrayal trauma and it’s never-ending aftereffects. It’s life after the fall out……one day your life was one way and the next day…well it’s not. Not the same at all. I don’t think a lot of people can understand that kind of grief. If you are one of them, my heart breaks for you too.
What is betrayal trauma? It’s a different form of trauma than just your normal, run of the mill trauma. Not that regular trauma isn’t bad enough on its own. I’m definitely not downplaying it. But betrayal trauma is a complete shock to the soul, and it comes from the most trusted person(s) in our lives. It’s when someone really close to you violates trust in a very terrible way. It’s the person living the double life and the spouse finds out about it, and it went on for decades. It could be when a parent abandons a child. Often times it comes from someone that the victim relied on for survival. This is a VERY close relationship. And it changes the person’s life FOREVER. And it happens overnight. There is no warning usually.
It’s a terrible, grief filled experience that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. I look back at my awful experience and wonder how I even survived. Had it not been for God holding me up, I would have crumbled into an ash heap. I was also surrounded by friends and family that held me up when I got weak. Even with support, counseling, and God, there were days that were just plain hard. There were days I cried for most of the day. My only consolation sometimes came in the form of my dog licking my face to try and comfort me.
It broke my heart and I sometimes thought I would never recover. The depression and anxiety from trauma are real.
If you are in this place, I want you to know that you aren’t alone. And, you WILL heal from this. There really aren’t any words someone can say to make you feel better. I had to spend hours just sitting in God’s presence. Sometimes I had no words, tears just streaming down my face. I attended a local worship and intercession room and that was my saving grace. God met me there so many days and wiped my tears away.
There is a scripture that I leaned on then, and still do:
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3.
Sometimes, all that can be done is wound binding. Wounds take time to heal, there is no getting around that. There is also ministry to the wounded area. I highly recommend a Christian counselor or therapist. Surround yourself with loving friends and family and only focus on getting through one day at a time.
My prayer is that God will be near to you and bind up your wounds.
If you would like spiritual counseling, please contact me @shana@shanastrange.net for more information and to schedule a session.
