Tomorrow I’ll start over. Tomorrow, I promised myself I would do better, as I downed my 4th handful of peanut butter M & M’s. But while it was still today, I was going to make my “cheating” count. Might as well eat those chips and queso I saw earlier in the fridge. And of course why not finish off that ice cream that has been calling my name the last few days. Apparently I was trying to see how much weight I could gain in the sum of 2 days. I was trying to set a world record. I mean, why not? I had tried the impossible and denied myself so many times in an effort to lose ridiculous amounts of weight in smaller time frames. Might as well reverse it and go the other direction. All or nothing. In or out. I have no middle ground. Like a race car driver with only one gear. I was racing to the finish line but I wasn’t sure what my prize would be. A bigger waist? Heart problems? Diabetes? I wasn’t sure but I was determined to win it.
It’s hard to believe that only a day or 2 before the weekend I was the perfect specimen of self control and consistency. I got up every morning that week at 4:30 and put myself through a grueling hour workout. I planned all of my meals and logged them into a tracker app to make sure my calories and macronutrients were in check. I was even able to forego “pizza day” at work with not so much as even 1 slice of pizza while my co-workers stuffed their faces.
Apparently I use this all or nothing approach in various areas of my life. My guess is that I’m not the only one as I glance across the half empty gym that was completely full of potential healthy people at the beginning of the year. Now the numbers had dwindled down to only a handful of a few faithful soldiers. How many people actually finish what they start? How many people are really willing to put the work in to get the results they want out of life?
OUR DUPLICITOUS NATURE
Duplicity plagues most of us I suppose. The desire to do the right thing is there but so is some other dark desire. It’s so easy to cave in to that desire that our flesh craves: more chips, pizza, alcohol or binge watching the latest Netflix release. Why is it so hard? Why is the struggle so real? Paul said it this way,” I have discovered this principle of life–that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong.” Romans 7:21. My skinny jeans certainly echo this principle and so does my frustration with each passing year when it seems I’m no closer to the goals I set.
How do we stop this vicious cycle? More goals, more rigorous demands on our already strained schedule? More accountability? I believe it is actually the opposite. I believe we need to rest. But it isn’t the rest that typically comes to mind; the laying-around-all-day-on-the-couch kind of rest doesn’t quite fit this definition. It’s a rest from endless striving in our own strength and power. It’s a rest filled with surrender and yielding to the Spirit. Jesus said it this way, “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavily burdened (by religious rituals that provide no peace), and I will give you rest (refreshing your souls with salvation.) Take my yoke upon you and learn from Me (following Me as My disciple), for I am gentle and humble in heart, and YOU WILL FIND REST (renewal, blessed quiet) FOR YOUR SOULS. Matthew 11:28-29 AMP.
I am convinced that my binge eating episodes are a result of running on fumes. I’m doing all the right things to get to my goal except one: I keep forgetting to involve Jesus in my efforts. Initially, I start off with good intentions and I invite Him on my journey but life happens. I get tired, I have to work, there’s endless housework and cooking to do. Getting up at 4:30 starts to grate on my nerves. I stop asking for help and strength. I go into survival mode and my body tells me it needs energy, which in turn equates to sleep or food. Jesus, who is He again? Oh yeah, Jesus….I totally forgot I need your strength to do this!! And the cycle begins again.
But there is another way: the way of rest and peace. When He is my top priority I find that I don’t need to run to junk food or 12 hours of sleep to be recharged. When I rest in Him, I’m filled up to do the stuff I need to do. I failed the Mary test….you know the “Are you a Mary or a Martha test?” I default to Martha every time. Get it done. There’s no time for rest! That’s my personality and the result is an extra spare tire.
RETURN AND REST
I think it’s befitting to end with Isaiah 30:15, which was in my reading this morning:
This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says: “Only in returning to me and resting in me will you be saved. In quietness and confidence is your strength.
Return and rest, be refilled. We have a thirst that cannot be quenched by a Tall Cinnamon Dolce Latte, especially not the skinny version. No, give me the full fat, sugary laden sweetness of Jesus. The ever present help in my time of need. The strength of my salvation and the song of my heart. For all eternity, give me Jesus. NOTHING else will do.
