I hate sadness. When I start to feel buried heartache rising up, whether from disappointments or anxiety and dread for the future, I distract myself. I binge watch something, like all three seasons of some questionable TV series that basically serves no purpose other than to cover up the brokenness I feel just beneath the surface of the social media, fake me that I show the world. You know the mannequin version of yourself that you dress up in a suit and tie and present to the world as having no problems? Yes her. She likes to make a grand entrance like a runway model, strutting with ease and confidence, when the real me is drowning in an ocean of insecurity and self hatred.
She’s the one that answers kindly to the “How are you today question” with all of the business etiquette of a diplomatic official. All positive, sterile answers to cover up the real me, desperately grasping for air as the waves crash over me. I beg God to save me over and over from the joyless existence I find myself trapped in at times. And it’s usually the most inconvenient times at that.
I want to be ridiculously happy, not pretending to be. I want joy to ooze from me with all of the force that a brand new tube of toothpaste has when you first open it. And I don’t want to be a person of joy just because everything is going my way. No, I want to be famously joyful DESPITE the fact that nothing in my life makes sense. I want that kind of freedom and fire.
What I have discovered is that sadness is the doorway to ridiculous, never-ending joy. To be sure, it’s an ugly door that I keep avoiding. It’s old, faded and rusty, The handle barely works and the hinges are squeaky. But if I choose to approach it, I find Jesus on the other side, waiting to welcome me. He wraps me up, speaks kindly to me and tells me He loves me. Then I feel the warmth of joy pouring over me, sweet and golden like a fresh bucket of sunshine in the middle of January.
And it occurs to me in that moment, I lost joy because I moved away from Him. Little by little, day by day, I stopped seeking Him. I stopped having coffee with Him. Sweet moments of laughter and light-heartedness in His presence were replaced with an extra hour of sleep. Tender times of confession and worship were apprehended by binge-watching pointless entertainment. Because the truth is, there is no joy apart from Him. He is the only true source of everlasting joy.
I love this scripture:
Go and enjoy choice food and sweet drinks, and send some to those who have nothing prepared. This day is holy to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength. Nehemiah 8:10.
Most people quote this scripture but they leave out the “do not grieve”. But I love that God included it here for us. The temptation was so strong to grieve in stead of remain joyful. They had just returned to Jerusalem to rebuild their beloved temple. They were surrounded by constant turmoil and enemies trying to thwart the work. They had to fight with one hand and build with the other. Those were distressing, perplexing times. I can only imagine the sense of dread and pressure they felt to attempt such a feat.
But in the middle God says, ” the joy of the LORD is your strength’. Not your own abilities, power or knowledge. God’s joy would be the source of strength for the mission. It’s so funny to think of joy as strength, isn’t it? But it is, for sure!
I studied this word for joy, and it means all of the things you think already: rejoice, gladness. But it also means to be joined. Ah yes, being joined to God brings great joy, does it not? It’s amazing the incredible power surge I feel when I connect to Him intentionally. It’s like a huge amount of electricity coursing through my veins and feel alive again! Hopeful, happy, ridiculously optimistic!
And this scripture makes such a profound point:
You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore. Psalms 16:11
This Hebrew word here for joy is simchah and it adds another layer. It also means mirth., which is amusement with festivity and laughter!! Yes laughter. I love that!! Living a live that is festive and amusing is our birthright because that’s how our Father lives. Constantly joyful and celebrating us and His creation.
If you are feeling sad and depressed, it’s ok. You aren’t a bad person; you’re just disconnected from your Father. You just need to walk through that sad, ugly door and find Jesus. The sadness was only meant to lead you to the one that can speak hope into your busted up life. It’s not meant to be to your downfall, it’s meant to show you the way to Jesus!
Blessings friends!
