Will I ALWAYS be a slightly fat girl living in a chocolate sprinkled donut world?? The thought raced through my mind as I awkwardly tugged on my cardigan to snuggly wrap up my muffin top. I knew the skinny chirocpractor assistant girl saw me and my muffin top but I still didn’t want it exposed for the entire world to see. If I put it up…would it still exist??? Kind of like the whole tree falling in the forest thing but nobody was there.
Better to keep it tucked in and secure for sure. UGH….one more day trapped in my chubby body, achy joints and condescending thoughts about WHY I let myself get this way.
I was tired of lying to myself, lying to God and lying to my family/friends. I convinced myself that I wasn’t really lying, just omitting a few things that honestly weren’t that important anyway right? I mean everyone didn’t need to know that I found ways to sneak unhealthy food into my days even though I had vowed to not do so. It wouldn’t have been that big of a deal except I had made a commitment to God to honor the body He gave me, and I had also committed to some other people in my life for accountability purposes.
I tracked my food with an app so that my friend could hold me accountable for my food choices. We were on a track to get healthy consisting of eating clean and working out most days. And yet I couldn’t seem to lose weight….but deep down I knew why.
I couldn’t lose weight because I was cheating. I didn’t log things into my app because I knew my friend would see them and I would be exposed for the fraud that I was……pretending to want to change but still desperately clinging to the very vices that had led me down this road. OH GOD…wretched person that I am…….who will save me??? That cry began to spill out of my very being after going around the stupid mountain 100 times it seemed.
I finally started to get REALLY honest with God about it. I told Him that part of me wanted to change but part of me liked the little pet sin I had adopted. Please hear me…I’m not saying that eating cupcakes is a sin, I’m just saying that for me it was because food loomed over me like a god. I felt helpless to say “No” whenever someone showed up with brownies or cake at my job. Or heaven forbid, PIZZA! I practically could never say no to pizza at any given time. I felt like I couldn’t say no even if I wanted to. I never felt in control.
And did you know that God didn’t give us an inability to control ourselves??? Quite the opposite actually according to 2 Timothy 1:7:
For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline
Yes! We weren’t supposed to be weak willed simpletons being chased around by our unhealthy appetites and desires! God has a much better way in mind. But what exactly is THAT way and HOW do we get into that process??
I’m so glad you asked because I posed the exact same question to God when in my most deprived moment of self disgust. After my confession and repentance, which is key by the way- to truly repent, I felt like He gave me the answer.
I was studying the name of God: Jehovah Nissi, in all of its grandeur when God shined a spotlight on the story for me. The story is found in Exodus 17: 8-16, when the Amalekites attached the Israelites after they had just escaped Egypt. They were weak and unprepared and the Amalekites took full advantage of that.
Just to give you a quick refresher on the Amalekites I’ll hit the high points. Basically they were a low down, dirty-rotten, no good group of nomads that fought the Israelites from the time of Moses all the way to Esther. Actually, they were descendants of Esau and they sought to take vengeance of the descendants of Jacob for all of the birthright stealing business. Saul fought them, David fought them and Esther had dealings with Haman, which was a descendant of Agag, one of the Amalekite kings that Saul refused to exterminate when God told him to. Suffice it to say the Isrealite’s dealing with them went on and on and on. It was an awful bloody business that lasted many generations.
In the Exodus story God tells Moses how to fight against a strong adversary like that: by raising his staff to God. When he did that, Joshua and his men had the advantage against the Amalekites. As long as Moses held up his staff, they stayed in a dominant position.
Finally……I understood my plight. I was fighting against something stronger, smarter and faster than me in this food addiction battle. I needed to raise my staff to the Lord in order to win. I couldn’t try again in my own strength or rely on the power of positive thinking. I was out of new ideas and diet plans. I had to hit my knees this time and tap into His strength to fight the battle.
And it wasn’t that hard to do either. Honestly, when I confessed my struggle and asked for His help He showed me EXACTLY what to do. Jehovah NISSI- The Lord My Banner! That’s what Moses called God after he defeated the Amalkites and that was what I shouted out at the top of my lungs! The moment I held up my staff to Him I could feel Him marching around me with His banner, showing the enemy He was there and He would win.
I encourage you today to hold up your heart to the Lord and ask for His help if you are in a challenging battle that you can’t seem to win no matter how hard you try. Just remember that He wants you to win!! You don’t have to stay chained to an addiction if you want to be free! He will help you.
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