It’s been a long time coming. Sometimes I’m shocked that I made it through the longest, darkest night without any broken bones or impaired vision. What I thought would destroy me actually made me stronger somehow. In the middle of the blackness, Christ resurrected my broken soul and set me back on course. Miracle of miracles.
I remember practically begging God for what seemed like years on end to release me from the prison cell I felt sentenced to. To which He would always reply, “Not yet.” Or sometimes I heard nothing at all, and my faith began to diminish and I felt alone. Betrayed. Rejected. Left for dead like a wounded animal. I wallowed in self pity and anger as misery took hold of my life and I became a victim to it.
I stopped believing God was good. I stopped dreaming. No more days filled with lyrics scribbled on a notepad or rough recordings of song snippets in my phone. No more nights of waking up with melodies in my head and running to a piano at midnight. No, each day wreaked of monotony and living an assigned role that was not mine. It wasn’t a bad life I found myself waking up to every day; it just wasn’t my life.
But something almost magical (yes I said magical, don’t write me a letter telling me I’m evil or something) happened in the last few months. I felt a spark that started deep in my soul. It was slow going at first, but then it began to blaze and consume me until I believed again. I believed in God’s hugeness and ability to do the impossible and I felt Him calling me back to life! Yes death surrounded me but life spoke straight into my being and called me out of the tomb. Instead of “Lazarus come forth” it was “Shana come forth!”
I started to feel my faith soar again. I felt like David when he faced Goliath. I had no fear- I knew God was going to help me defeat this giant of unbelief that clouded my life for so long. So this was it, the battle of my life! I needed to defeat this giant so I could move on with my destiny. This is the reason God kept saying “no” over and over to me. The root of unbelief still took up residence in my heart.
You see without faith it is impossible to please God ( Hebrews 11:6). So no wonder God said no over and over to me! I possessed no faith! I kept trying to win His good graces by perfectionism and following religious code instead of just trusting Him and believing He had a good plan and wanted to bless me.
Can you relate? Do you think you need to impress God for Him to bless you? Do you believe He’s still good even after all of the junk you have been through? Do you feel alone, betrayed, broken, and confused? It’s ok, you aren’t alone. The enemy wants to convince you that God has no plan for you and it’s your problem to make lemonade out of lemons. Don’t buy into it!! God has a spectacular plan for you! Hold on and trust Him. Ask God to show you what He wants you to learn in this season.
I asked God to show me what I needed to learn and that’s when my season of despair started to shift and He said yes. Believe me, He wants to say yes to you, but He won’t do it at the expense of destroying your soul; the maturity must be there to sustain the promotion.
Be encouraged friends. God is good, forever and always!
And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him. Hebrews 11:6
