I’ve learned the hard way to stop expecting apologies from people that hurt me. It’s hasn’t been easy, but I found that my life is less stressful when I just move on and put the whole thing in God’s hands. The truth is life is short and I don’t have time to keep tabs on other people and what they owe me.
I wrote an entire chapter for my upcoming book that will release at the end of this year called Providence-God Has a Plan, in which I talk about walking through rejection and unforgiveness. I am pasting it in below. I hope it blesses you and encourages you in your quest to forgive and move on.
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Excerpt from Chapter 7: The Truth About Rejection
This is what I learned about all of this desperation business: people that do not really know who they are will be crushed by the weight of perceived rejection and failure. Every single time. In order to truly understand our identity we first have to know God intimately, not in a religious, churchy way. Our relationship with Him must be established and rich, we need to be absolutely convinced of His goodness and kindness toward us. His love for us must be the cornerstone of our lives upon which everything else is built. We need to know God as a loving, doting father that lives to see us and bless us. We must know Jesus as Our betrothed soon to be husband that is utterly passionate about is and can’t wait to be with us. And we must know the Holy Spirit as our constant and fearless guide that is ever ready to help us every day of our lives. It’s not enough to know of God; we must KNOW God. Something about really knowing settles that anxiousness in us. He quiets us with His love. We can hear the song He sings over our lives.
When we know God this way then we can see rejection for what it really is: redirection. It’s not an insult to our person but rather God intervening because of His great love for us. Sometimes it seems like people are in control of our destiny-blocking opportunities or being disobedient to God’s request- but the truth is NOTHING and NO ONE can take your destiny away from you. It is yours and yours alone.
In fact, not only can others not thwart our destiny, they are actually used by God to get us there. No one stood in the way of Joseph’s destiny even though it seemed like his life overflowed with one obstacle or blocked door after another. His brothers thought they were ridding themselves of his existence by tossing him in the pit but they only set the journey in motion with that act. Potiphar thought that throwing Joseph in prison would quench his wife’s anger and punish Joseph but it actually positioned Joseph where he needed to be at the exact moment to step into his destiny. Out of tragedy and betrayal God birthed salvation for an entire nation. Sounds a lot like Jesus’s life right?
That’s because it is supposed to. God, the master craftsman and author, set up these incredible stories in the Old Testament that would be a foreshadowing of what was to come. Scholars consider Joseph a ‘type’ of Christ. The similarities are astounding. Joseph was sold for 30 pieces of silver by his brothers; Judas Iscariat sold Jesus to blood thirsty zealots for the same. Potiphar’s wife falsely accused Joseph of an indecent proposal; Jewish leaders falsely accused Jesus of blasphemy. And finally, both Jesus and Joseph brought salvation to their people despite those people’s attempts to thwart the plan.
What am I trying to say? If Jesus himself underwent such extraordinary hardship full of backstabbing with an added twisting of the knife how can we expect any different? Isn’t it quite obvious from these stories that God allows and uses betrayal and rejection to set the story up? We oftentimes become obsessed with sidestepping the very things that get us to the desired destination. Or we become fixated on avenging ourselves of the perceived unfortunate actions of others. We can spend years plotting the demise of the backstabbers in our story; finding ways to flip the script and expose them for the flawed villain they really are. And it feels so justified in the moment. We may not verbally assault them in our conversations with friends or put out a thinly veiled social media posts that is obvious to everyone but us but we privately disdain those people. A handful of trusted family or friends may know the details but we usually do our best to keep up the facade that we are fine when someone brings up the villain’s name.
I will personally admit the difficulty in moving past the pain that others have caused me. I would love to tell you I have arrived at a warm and fuzzy place but some days I still struggle. I know that the villains in my story are not really villains at all but part of me still needs to blame someone I guess. It’s somewhat easier to blame a villain than to fully accept that backstabbing and the like were part of the plan all along.
It’s an even bigger thing to move beyond letting the ‘no longer a villain’ person into a place of appreciation and in good graces with us. I’m talking about full blown forgiveness here. Not just a tolerance of the people that wounded us but agape love exists instead of avoiding those people. it’s not even possible without God enabling us to do it but the truth is we HAVE to do it. At some point we will have to do it.
I’ve realized how powerful unforgiveness is and how liberating forgiveness can be. When I decided to forgive, I took the noose from their necks that I spent years crafting by hand and I set them free because I needed to be free. I couldn’t freely minister while hoisting them up in a noose to their slow and painful death. I could no longer blame them for my current predicament or situation because it wasn’t really their fault anyway; they only acted as pawns in a much greater plan. And the truth is I had arrived at the very place God destined for me to be BECAUSE they rejected me. Their betrayal catapulted me into this new place. Honestly I should shake their hand and give them a bear hug for helping me get to this place. Someday I hope I can, but for now I just do my best to show forgiveness in more subtle ways. I would like to exchange this brokenness I feel for a more pleasant robe of some sort. Someday I hope we can see each other and weep because so much love exists between us.
When I think about this it reminds me of Paul and Barnabus. In the book of Acts the two were commissioned by the church to set out for the work God had for them, which included establishing the church in other cities. The elders laid hands on them at the urging of the spirit and they set out to change the world. It seems they shared a close connection and worked great together. Paul, the great Theologian and Barnabas, the son of encouragement, as he was referred to in scripture. The Dynamic Duo that nothing could separate. Except maybe John Mark, Barnabus’a nephew.
Apparently John Mark deserted them at a critical juncture in their journey, that’s according to Pauls’s version of the story. The rift caused such a disagreement between Paul and Barnabus that they could no longer work together. Paul wanted nothing more to do with John Mark but Barnabus wanted to continue allowing him entrance to their journeys. The end result left the Dynamic Duo explosively separated. The fireworks blew the relationship to a heap of dust and ashes, like the kind after a 4th of July celebration in downtown Houston. Paul left and traveled one way while Barnabas and John Mark went another way.
I thought that is where the story ended most of my life. But a couple of years ago I read something that caught my attention. It’s not obvious so I had to connect the dots, but in one of the later chapters in Acts, after the split, Luke writes about Paul, Barnabus AND John Mark working in ministry together again! So God not only allowed the separation between these men to further His kingdom but at just the right time He brought them back together again.
And that’s because God is all about reconciliation. Scripture says God was working through Jesus to reconcile the world back to Himself. I find this reconciliation truth to be encouraging right now-to know that every single damaged relationship that He ordained in my life will someday be reconciled. It may not happen here on this earth but at least in Heaven I know genuine love will rule the day between us broken fellow sojourners. All misunderstanding will give way to perfect clarity and the need for bitterness will melt away. We won’t care anymore; we will be in the presence of perfect love.
But until then, we must learn to trust God’s heart and His hand. Knowing that if He allows the wounding by betrayal or rejection that He will make it right in the end. He will bring healing and closure to those gaping wounds that we sometimes unknowingly inflict on each other. Love will win.
So my advice to you is to cut the noose. Free them and free yourself. Trust God to bring something incredible out of this awfulness. And move on with your life and destiny. Don’t waste time living in bitterness.
After that, take a long hard look at your life and the things you have been through, specifically situations in your childhood that felt like rejection. Are you carrying that pain into your adult life? Is it spilling over into every situation of your life and causing you to live in a constant state of rejection ?? If so, you might consider seeking out professional help. Unresolved pain from past wounds can negatively impact every single thing we go through, to the point that we aren’t seeing the situation for what it truly is.
